New Year, New changes.

So with this new year our life has taken a dramatic turn. 

Each new year always promise changes and sometimes being a military family you never know what some of those changes may mean. This years offers the promise of some exciting changes. I am graduating from school to hopefully start working again. The husband's ship is in dry dock so no underways anytime soon thank goodness! We have a teenager this year, with the oldest officially turn 13! And we may be buying a house sooner rather than later. All this means we may eventually have a temporary separation due to having a house to assume responsibility for. So once again separated from my love but by choice which I almost think is worse sometimes. When he is deployed I can "blame", if you will, the job. But thinking we would be doing this to ourselves this time seems insane. We know we need a house. We know the housing market where we are moving to is on a up swing. So rationally buying the house we want while we can still afford it makes good sense so we aren't stuck with less house for more money. But why on earth would we commit to that knowing we would have to spend time apart again? (I over-analyze everything I know) I love the houses we are seeing for the money we know we can spend. I just have a hard time making that leap of faith sometimes without rationalizing everything completely first. (What can I say, it's the nurse in me LOL) So we house hunt from 1600 miles away........

I am very excited to be starting a new path in my career this year. Having stayed home the better part of the last two years, I miss working. So getting back into the swing of being a contributing member to the household income will be awesome! Now having a renewed passion for kids and especially OB nursing makes going back to work a very promising adventure. 

I must say having my husband home has been the biggest change so far. Granted he came home in July but duty days and stuff sometimes it feels like I miss him just as much some days. I look forward to "normal life" but this life still has a lot to offer us. Retirement isn't for at least another two years so we do have a little bit to overcome. Hopefully though only the one more move. I have enjoyed being able to meet new people even in a location I don't like. This life just always offer new challenges that test me daily. No one thing is perfect or imperfect. I have learned the approach to things is the key. Living life based on others is not for me. Living it the best way I can is. I can do what I can everyday to approach each day with strength, happiness, and positivity. I have learned anything other than that is not good for me or the family.

This is a great year! I have a beautiful wonderful family I love dearly! Nothing else matters other to keep things going in a positive direction! <3

Christmas Traditions

Christmas Traditions

When your growing up Christmas is a magical time. All you think of is the presents, time out of school, and yummy treats. The magic is all around and you have all the faith in the world. As you grow up and realize the effort it goes into the magic. The time spent running around to stores, cooking, preparing, traveling, etc. All these things you still do because of the eyes of the children who look back at you the same way you did when you were a child to your parents. 

This year has made me stop and think back to a lot of the traditions we used to have when I was growing up. As a military family sometimes not everything can go the way you want it to. The days of hopping from family member to family members house on Christmas and having big family dinners have all but faded into history. Now your lucky if your within 500 miles of home if you are even on the same side of the world. So traveling back isn't always as easy as it used to be. Because duty days still exist. Stand down doesn't necessarily  mean you get the time off you want when there are so many in the same situation in your unit. They have kids too so you understand when they want the time off just as much as your husband or wife. But when you stop and think about it Christmas traditions may evolve but never truly change.

The family meals with family gathering around talking about old times are simply replaced with "famliy" meals. The meals with your military family gathered in whoever is house is hosting it this year. Your still with family so that hasn't changed. You just have people gathered around you may not have grown up with. The scene is still the same though. Women gathering around the kitchen bringing in dishes of homemade goodies. Talking about this and that, mostly shopping and kids. The men gathering around the TV watching whichever game is on, swapping stories of the good ole days and all the war stories. Kids running around playing and laughing trying to sneak treats from the kitchen. So things may have changed a bit but essentially the same. 

The life has it's ups and downs. No one ever said being a military family would be easy. If it was everyone would do it. But those that do have a few things many people would never imagine. We have family everywhere we go. Because no matter where the military takes you you are always part of a family that embraces you. You have decorations on your tree from your children and those who are like nieces and nephews even if they may have no blood relation. Your card collection goes up each year as you either move or change duty stations because each new duty station presents another set of new family members. 

So as much as we try to preserve old traditions we truly have been blessed with our own unique ones. While we may have our own traditions for our families that we do have the ones we share are just as special. Including others in our lives is an important part of the holiday season isn't it? After all the reason we celebrate is because a child was born to share himself to such an extent that we would have a reason to celebrate for centuries to come. Sharing, caring and giving of ourselves is part of what makes the season so special. 

So while our families may be far and our traditions may be sometimes not what we expect. They are just what they are supposed to be. Time spent with people we love and care about celebrating a special time. So no matter where you are or what you are doing from our family to yours Merry Christmas! May 2012 be a year of great blessing for each and everyone. Even if I don't know you personally you are part of our family because we are all in this life together. Thank you for sharing your time with us. God bless!

Shanda

Falling into fall....

I was asked if I was ok because I hadn't posted on here in a while. Well in all fairness I am or rather should be. My husband returned home safely from deployment. That above all else is a victory.

I am also a full time nursing student which takes most of my time now days.

The truth is I just have avoiding writing anything down. Writing means you have to face your feelings. That is the last thing I want to do right now. When all you feel is like your falling everyday there is no real reason to write. Just dodge the landing. Landings are painful and generally permanent depending how long you have been falling.

So keep from thinking about falling or landing or drifting or whatever it is I am doing these days I spend most days lost in the kids, or school work, or something, anything to keep me busy. Then when I can't keep busy anymore I fall asleep. To get up and do it again. Get up worry about bills, kids, behaviors, family, school, husbands work, my lack of it, supper, laundry, dishes, homework, tests. This day in and day out. Feel guilty because there are family burdens at home you know you should be there to help with and aren't. You know you should help because you get reminded enough by your sister who also doesn't help but your the nurse and oldest so of course it is your responsibility. You are the experienced one in class everyone looks to for help even when you can't always give it because you have your own stress to deal with.For some reason your kids decided they don't want to be the good children they used to be anymore and start getting in trouble at school to the point you almost dread answering the phone. Your ex husband decides not only does he not want to pay child support he wants to make your life a living hell while doing so and at the same your husband's ex wife apparently got the same memo and decides that she wants to start causing problems as well.

No I may not be "OK" always. But is anyone's life perfect? No. I could spend my days continuing to spiral. Fortunately I have my 2 year old bright spot who keeps me laughing. I have friends in class who keep me motivated to get through the next 9 months we have left. And my husband who tells me everything will be ok. Yeah sometimes I want to cry and pitch a fit and make everything go my way ( or try ). However, there is a good chance that would not work. So why waste the time and energy?

I have come to find, in the last several weeks, that meditation and laughter works wonders. I can depend on myself more than ever. And my husband truly is the greatest man in the world. He proves it everyday. Even when I stress about everything he reminds me nothing is as bad as I make it out to be and we will get through it together.

So my new favorite thing to do is to fall into fall........ Falling in love everyday, Falling into happiness, Falling into new blessings, and Falling into new changes with open arms. Everything happens for a reason. Embrace change if it wasn't for change we would be stuck at start with not end in sight......... I personally want to pass go and collect my $200 :)

Master of Illusions

I sit sometimes and I think. I think about lots of things. What color is my mood ring gonna be today?...... What am I going to do to make myself laugh instead of cry today?........ Wonder what he is doing?....... Can I really do the things everyone says I can?...... Why do people think I'm superwoman when I am really not?...... What I feel like I have it together today and tomorrow when I get up coffee may make me completely lose it?... Yeah my mind never stops. I am a mom, a Navy wife, a nurse, a student, daughter, and sister. I don't know how to shut my mind off. Most days I try spending my day trying to fill it with positive thoughts. Rainbows and butterflies and all that good stuff. And I put on a good face most days, I laugh and cut up with friends and family. I smile and say everything is going to be ok, because as a wife that is what I do. As a military wife that is what I have no choice but to do. Yet when everyone leaves and I turn the lights off my mind becomes my enemy once again. I have had a feeling that not many understand. After all military members make up approximately 1% of the population and of that not all of the 1% have spouses or significant others. But those that are significant others know the feeling well. My mother described exactly how she felt as a spouse and daughter of the military and oddly enough it is exactly how I have felt these last months. It's called a black hole. Webster defines a black hole as this: a celestial object that has a gravitational field so strong that light cannot escape it and it is believed to be created especially in the collapse of a very massive star. Now I know in theory how I feel is not EXACTLY the same. However, my husband is the massive star in my life, aside from my children, and not having here makes me feel as if the world collapsed leaving no light or emotion left to escape from my body. I feel cold and alone most nights and even on my best of days the hard reality of walking up the stairs to the bedroom to see the bed half made and his pillow on my side is rather daunting. The strongest I can be evades me at bedtime. I spend most of my day avoiding my room.

I have spent most of my almost 31 years doing things alone even when I have had someone in my life. I have worked since I was 16. I had my first child at 18 and did most of the raising of her on my own. ( Yes her father helped some and still does but things happen and life doesn't go according to plan. And at 20 I was a single mom ) I lived through a hell of a marriage hiding to most everyone that knew me how horrible it really was. I survived divorce and raising two children on my own. Through all of what hard times I fell on, I still at least felt alive and had feeling regardless of what they may be ( sadness, anger, joy, etc. ), I had feelings. Now my world, even though it is still fully functional and running, is empty. Not permanently but still for now empty. The emotions I want to have are not there. I want to FEEL but my reason for feeling is fighting a war no one can win. No one ever WINS a war they just get through it. He does his job and does it well and for that I am VERY proud of him, but knowing how much he would rather be here only adds to my emptiness.

I know in my heart the feeling will go away. All I need are those strong arms to hold me again and my world will be once again back to normal. The thing is I have tried for months to figure out what was wrong with me. I am not the first nor the last to be a deployed service members spouse. So why is it so much easier for them. How can they be put all together and I fall apart at the seams. Well my friends I will tell you. You see what no one tells you is the magic of the ID card. Yes that is what I said ID card. This card gives you the power to be the master of illusions. What we do as spouses is become great illusionists. We show the public what they want to see. A proud spouse manning the home front with ease and make juggling 30 things look effortless. We do what has to be done and at the end of the day we get lost in ourselves. We have our 0200 crys ( not of course for anyone else to see because tears are NOT military issue ) we hug our pillows as we drift off to sleep and meet our spouse in the dreamland that exists during deployments. We take our superwoman hat off but only for those brief moments we ALLOW ourselves the luxury. Then the hat goes right back on and we show the world what it wants to see again. It is not a perfect system. We should not have be the one who bears the world on their shoulders, but we do because our spouses bear the world on theirs and marriage means bearing the load together. So we do what every good military wife does we suck it up and go on.

What I learned from this little awe inspiring moment is this: while what we do is support our husbands what we do is survive. We live the lives we want to live. We may have our black hole moments but eventually they pass. I may not be out of mine yet but I am working on it. The other thing I learned is we as spouses generally expect too much from ourselves. While I would LOVE to think I am more than capable of handling the things that go wrong without being phased by it, that is a gross misrepresentation of the facts. We expect that everything we do while our spouse are away must be perfect because they are giving it their all. Reality though is we are human ( shocking right? yeah I was kinda blown away too ) and as humans we are ENTITLED to NOT be perfect. A wise saying once was said. " To err is human, To forgive divine." The thing with this saying , and I am taking it out of context so bear with me, is this we are human and we will make mistakes but to forgive ourselves of these transgressions is heavenly. If WE can't forgive ourselves how can anyone else? Aren't we entitled to the same things the other 99% of the country is? The answer to both questions is yes. We do deserve it if we ALLOW ourselves to. All we need is more people to encourage each other to believe this.

I am not saying the nights are not still going to be lonely. They will be. Its not going to make everything ok but what it will do is take part of the load off our shoulders. We don't have to do everything ourselves. It is OK to ask for help sometimes. It is OK to have a cry because your lonely or EVERYTHING has went wrong today. Its OK that you feel like you will never feel the same way again. The key is knowing its ok to feel that way and then figure out how you want to take that energy and use it. Clean, start a hobby, walk, go be a crutch for another spouse, start a support group, or just get out a get some sunshine on your face. The energy used to degrade yourself is better put to use in finding a positive spin on the situation. Your life is what you make it. I have been told that so many times but it never rang true until now. If you sit and keep to yourself it will not get any better. Ask any spouse of at least a number of years. There are essential items that are needed for deployment, some they tell you and some they dont. Of course you need all the paperwork and numbers and lists. You also need at least 2 REALLY good friends that live near by. Did you count your shoulders? You have 2 thus why you need 2 good friends ( I call mine my chosen sisters ). You need them to be there D day, and for day 47 when everything hits you at once, and T minus 4-0 days when you can't keep yourself together long enough to remember your name much less the kids, camera, phone and car/house keys. You need a 15 minute block everyday to have YOU time. Meditate, sit and stare at the TV, Listen to music, or cry for 15 minutes everyday. Otherwise you lose yourself. Too many wives ( myself included ) put too much on what they feel like has to be done. The perfect everything. Perfect exists in 2 places : Heaven and Hollywood. Otherwise everything does NOT have to be perfect.

It may not happen overnight but if we take time and make ourselves a little imperfect maybe we can make our lives a little easier.Because in the end when the horrible time known as deployment is over there are two things that matter 1. He came home to you. and 2. He came home to you. Ask any service member and they will tell you it's not what you wear, or how things went while they were away, or what you will have to eat when you get home. ALL that matters is HE came home and YOU are who he came home to. The person you said your vows to only wants you at the end of a pier or on a bleacher or in an airport. So that all they went through gets left there and the world is right again for both of you. We may not be perfect and neither may your spouse but when all is right with your world its pretty dang close.

How do you do this?

I can't tell you how many times I have heard " I dont know how you do this."

 Sometimes I wonder how many times we all here that very same question. The thing is most people don't realize some days we ask ourselves that. How do I do this every day? How do I help the kids through this every day? How do you explain to them that people we do not know and never will, need daddy. How do you make a child understand that even though daddy loves us he loves his country too? Do they really understand? I think the answers sometimes surprise us. There are easy answers to those questions. We just dont always see the easy answers.
 How do I do this every day? - Well it starts by getting up. You decide to put your feet on the floor and do something. You may not have a choice because things must be done but you could have just as easily said it is too hard to make it without him. But you didn't. You make a list of what has to be done. Your life revolves around lists, and piles of paperwork, and calendars with three sets of numbers on them. You know what each number represents even if no one else does. These tasks that you fill your days with may be trivial to some but they get you through another day. They distract your mind and hinder the tears. So how do you do this every day? One day at a time. Because each day is different. And you can't get to the end result unless you make it one day at a time.
How do you help your kids through it? You give them tangible things to relate to. Kiss jars, their own calenders to  keep track of the days on, they have their daddy dolls, they write letters, and emails, when he can call you give them their own time with him. You do things to help keep them busy. And when they have a bad day you are there for them. Because you are their strength.
How do you explain to them that people we don't know need their daddy too? We all need him. There are people in this world who want to do bad things and your daddy is one of the many heros who gets to make sure they cant do bad things. He has a special job not everyone can have. He does things most people would never do so that we can do the things we like doing everyday. We all like to talk and say what we want to say, daddy helps make that possible. It may not always be fair because sometimes that means daddy has to miss birthdays and holidays but we get to live each day know that daddy is special. And we get to share him with people that are not as lucky as we are to get to know him. We get to hug him and give him kisses for all he does, not everyone knows everything he does so really we are the lucky ones.
How do you make a child understand that even though daddy loves us he loves his country too? You let them see him in uniform. That one is that simple. A serviceman even on a bad day looks proud in uniform. You let them know the story of why daddy joined. What they feel when they here the Star Spangled Banner. Or see a fly over. Or a flag at half mast. You tell them that daddy loves them above all else but he also loves what this country is about and that by serving he helps make it a better place for them.
Do they really understand? Watch them. Listen to them. You don't even have to ask them to get that answer. A military child is a special child. By the age of 3 they know how to properly salute. They know the difference in a M-60 and M-90. Why a boat goes underwater and a ship is above water. That it is not a Tomcat doing the fly over but it is a F/A 18. They can tell you the name and rank of their dad without missing a beat. They can tell you about every base they ever lived at in order. They know the words the the Star Spangled Banner by heart and will sing them loud and proud. They know to stand and cover their heart when it is played too. They know what a yellow ribbon family is and what a blue star stands for. Most importantly they will let anyone and everyone know that THEIR daddy is a solider. And above anything else HE is their hero. While other kids play with cars and super hero figures they are playing with tanks and GI Joes. They know what ACUs and NWUs are. When you take them to a public place and they do a salute to our Nations vets and active duty members they are quite and take it all in. But they have a gleam in their eye because they know 50,000 people are on their feet for their daddy. They will grow up with the knowledge that even though daddy has to say See you later sometimes it is because their are millions of people who need him to go do what he does. Yes they do understand. They understand way more than we will ever know.

So how do I do this? It's actually very simple. I do this because he does what he does. I stand beside him and he stands beside me. I may not physically be there at his side everyday but I am on one finger. A little piece of metal that reminds us both of why we do this. Because love tells us we can.It tells us that even half of the Earth can't separate us.So while the life of a military wife may not be for everyone it is definitely do able. We arent angels or even saints. What we are is the Silent Ranks. And I would never for a million years change anything about my life. 

Perfect

I am not perfect.

I do not handle things the same way as other people. I can't always be the strong, funny, smart person everyone usually sees. I have flaws, many no one else but me notices. I try my best each day and sometimes it isn't always good enough. I am hard on myself and see the things that are wrong in my life and judge myself daily. I often think I do or say things that are wrong even if I haven't. I do not like when people see me cry. I do not like when people tell me how strong I am when I feel like I am drowning in life. I know I can make it through things but I have to do it in my own way. Applying other peoples methods to my life in general does not work for me. When I am told how I should act and do things it makes me feel like I am failing miserably, even more than normal, and I tend to start shutting down. When I ask for help I feel like a burden. I am use to taking care of things by myself. I have control issues. I like being the one who controls things, so when then are taken out of my control I start spiraling.

I know I am not expected to be perfect but I feel like I should be. I have been told many times growing up how, what, when, and where to do things, I think by now I should have it down.

I wish sometimes I could turn my mind off from always thinking. It goes non-stop daily. What am I going to make for supper? Did I turn the lights off when I left? I need to work on my paper. I wonder Roger is doing right now. What do I do to help my middle schooler do better in school? Am I trying not to let everyone see how much deployment sucks? Why in the hell do they let drivers drive so horrible here? I miss being in Texas. I miss getting to see my family. I wish I was done with school already. What if I have not done enough while he was gone? What if he gets mad because I didn't do everything we talked about? I don't want to disappoint him. I want to see him so bad. Why can't it just be time for him to come home now? This is just some of what runs through my head. Some days I don't even answer one thing before another thought pops into my head and I feel like I am going to go crazy! ( Crazier correction. )  

I have tried for so long to make everyone else happy and make their lives easier/better that I forget sometimes about me. I try not to ask to do things for me much because I have kids and I don't like asking people to watch them just so I can do something for me. I can wait. The kids are more important right now. I will have time for me......eventually. It drives me crazy when I do ask to do something for me because I spend most of the time worrying that I am being thought of as a horrible mother, or that I am annoying because I am not back yet, among other things.

Things are the things that live in my head everyday. Most days I can put them aside and go about my day and not let them bother me. Some days I focus on all the many things I see wrong in myself. More often than not the angel wins out on my shoulder but for the days the devil wins I try and just close up inside myself. I don't like being a negative influence on anyone. So I just retreat into my own little world until the angel can get up and help me win again.


When you hear enough your a military dependent ( in what ever shape or form, wife, mother, sister, or  daughter ) that you should be able to handle this. It could be worse. Look what you do have. You will have great times when they get back! All sounds like helping but in reality when your in the mind set that you don't like you. Hearing how much better things will be later or whatever only makes life more bleak.

I think a lot of people do not understand why I do these things. Oddly enough though I have found out I am not alone in the way I think and feel. I am just one of the few with support to help pull me out of the depths of despair. So as to not stay focused on what is wrong and focus on what is right. There are plenty of people who don't have that same help though. So before you judge anyone else because they are hard on themselves or they are emotional shut ins, stop and think we all have our moments. We all have these tendencies.We can all have self doubt and self worth issues. Some just pull out of them faster than others. Instead of trying to fix the situation just be supportive. Fixing it for them doesn't help, it just makes that person feel worse. What they need is love and strength from those close to them to help show them their own way of fighting back.

When all else fails the only thing I can actually do is repeat over and over in my head :
        God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
         The courage to change the things I can,
         And the wisdom to know the difference.


If nothing else it just takes a few days and go back to normal. I just need the time to figure out what is going on in my head that is bringing me down and work through it and figure out that is ok for me not to always be ................... perfect.

Life in its ahhhh moments......

We often live our lives waiting for the ahhh moments when so often they come and pass us by and we miss them. Take time to cherish little things so as not to let your ahhh moments pass you by.

We have all heard LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE. A lot of people have the words hanging in their house. Most have their own interpretation of the saying.
LIVE- each moment for THAT moment, not as a means to get to the next. 

LAUGH- at yourself so others may laugh with you. Hear the laughter and let it flood your soul. For laughter can cure even the most devastated of hearts. 

LOVE- you can only love others if you first love yourself. Love purely and simply. Love to the depth of your soul and to the stars. Love honestly. And most importantly love completely, holding nothing back. With holding love starts a wall that only gets bigger as time passes until one day you look up and see the Great Wall of China.

Not a lot actually matters in life when you stop and think about it. The laundry be done right now doesn't matter, nor does the house always being super clean, or the yard being perfect. 

There are things that do matter. Most people take these things for granted. The love you see reflected back in your child's or loved one's eyes. The way a hug feels when you have been separated by distance and time. The power three words can have on your mood. The emotions and feelings of life MATTER. It is simply a matter of taking time to stop and appreciate moments most take for granted.


Most people who are not military families under appreciate certain moments. I often see people take things for granted and while sometimes I want to just shake them and say " Don't you see what you are missing?" I actually usually feel sorry for them.They don't have the same appreciation of life the way we do. As the most people go about their lives we a blessed with certain opportunities. 

We get the chance to rekindle love OFTEN. We may have to go through hell to get there. But when your loved one returns you get that honeymoon phase all over again.
We get to look forward to small things making our day. A card, an email, a phone call, or a web date. Most do not truly understand the power of words on a screen or piece of paper and how they can completely fill your heart with joy.
We get to experience life in seconds. Seconds that count. Seconds that we live fully because we have to fit weeks in seconds. 
We get to celebrate special days whenever we want. Just because the calendar says Christmas is December does not mean it can't be celebrated in July. 


Too often we forget all the ways we can incorporate joy into our lives. We get hung up on the misery of deployments and constant PCSing and the day to day grind. We get settled into the world is against us and forget that the world consists of those who matter not the people who populate the Earth. The times we spend with our military loves are precious. The love we share with them can surpass time, distance, and communication black outs. We have so much to be thankful for and yet most days we focus on what we can't or didn't do. 




I am thankful for my husband. My children. My family. My friends. I am thankful this country stands for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. I am proud that I have this amazing man and many friends and family who fight for liberty. I have this life to give to serve others. And that happiness is mine to make the most of each day.If you have taken the time to read this, then please take the time to do these 3 things:
1. Thank a service member and/or their family.
2. Be thankful for one thing in your life whether it is perfect or not.
3. Take 3 seconds to stop and appreciate something small. ( The way the sun feels on your skin, or the way you feel when you see a flower. )


If you do these things it may not change your life. But it will change your mood even if for just a minute. Life is not about working so hard and moving so fast you one day think where did all the time go. It is about living for the moments as they are and not rushing through them as fast as you can to get to the next one.