I am not perfect.
I do not handle things the same way as other people. I can't always be the strong, funny, smart person everyone usually sees. I have flaws, many no one else but me notices. I try my best each day and sometimes it isn't always good enough. I am hard on myself and see the things that are wrong in my life and judge myself daily. I often think I do or say things that are wrong even if I haven't. I do not like when people see me cry. I do not like when people tell me how strong I am when I feel like I am drowning in life. I know I can make it through things but I have to do it in my own way. Applying other peoples methods to my life in general does not work for me. When I am told how I should act and do things it makes me feel like I am failing miserably, even more than normal, and I tend to start shutting down. When I ask for help I feel like a burden. I am use to taking care of things by myself. I have control issues. I like being the one who controls things, so when then are taken out of my control I start spiraling.
I know I am not expected to be perfect but I feel like I should be. I have been told many times growing up how, what, when, and where to do things, I think by now I should have it down.
I wish sometimes I could turn my mind off from always thinking. It goes non-stop daily. What am I going to make for supper? Did I turn the lights off when I left? I need to work on my paper. I wonder Roger is doing right now. What do I do to help my middle schooler do better in school? Am I trying not to let everyone see how much deployment sucks? Why in the hell do they let drivers drive so horrible here? I miss being in Texas. I miss getting to see my family. I wish I was done with school already. What if I have not done enough while he was gone? What if he gets mad because I didn't do everything we talked about? I don't want to disappoint him. I want to see him so bad. Why can't it just be time for him to come home now? This is just some of what runs through my head. Some days I don't even answer one thing before another thought pops into my head and I feel like I am going to go crazy! ( Crazier correction. )
I have tried for so long to make everyone else happy and make their lives easier/better that I forget sometimes about me. I try not to ask to do things for me much because I have kids and I don't like asking people to watch them just so I can do something for me. I can wait. The kids are more important right now. I will have time for me......eventually. It drives me crazy when I do ask to do something for me because I spend most of the time worrying that I am being thought of as a horrible mother, or that I am annoying because I am not back yet, among other things.
Things are the things that live in my head everyday. Most days I can put them aside and go about my day and not let them bother me. Some days I focus on all the many things I see wrong in myself. More often than not the angel wins out on my shoulder but for the days the devil wins I try and just close up inside myself. I don't like being a negative influence on anyone. So I just retreat into my own little world until the angel can get up and help me win again.
When you hear enough your a military dependent ( in what ever shape or form, wife, mother, sister, or daughter ) that you should be able to handle this. It could be worse. Look what you do have. You will have great times when they get back! All sounds like helping but in reality when your in the mind set that you don't like you. Hearing how much better things will be later or whatever only makes life more bleak.
I think a lot of people do not understand why I do these things. Oddly enough though I have found out I am not alone in the way I think and feel. I am just one of the few with support to help pull me out of the depths of despair. So as to not stay focused on what is wrong and focus on what is right. There are plenty of people who don't have that same help though. So before you judge anyone else because they are hard on themselves or they are emotional shut ins, stop and think we all have our moments. We all have these tendencies.We can all have self doubt and self worth issues. Some just pull out of them faster than others. Instead of trying to fix the situation just be supportive. Fixing it for them doesn't help, it just makes that person feel worse. What they need is love and strength from those close to them to help show them their own way of fighting back.
When all else fails the only thing I can actually do is repeat over and over in my head :
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
If nothing else it just takes a few days and go back to normal. I just need the time to figure out what is going on in my head that is bringing me down and work through it and figure out that is ok for me not to always be ................... perfect.