I was asked if I was ok because I hadn't posted on here in a while. Well in all fairness I am or rather should be. My husband returned home safely from deployment. That above all else is a victory.
I am also a full time nursing student which takes most of my time now days.
The truth is I just have avoiding writing anything down. Writing means you have to face your feelings. That is the last thing I want to do right now. When all you feel is like your falling everyday there is no real reason to write. Just dodge the landing. Landings are painful and generally permanent depending how long you have been falling.
So keep from thinking about falling or landing or drifting or whatever it is I am doing these days I spend most days lost in the kids, or school work, or something, anything to keep me busy. Then when I can't keep busy anymore I fall asleep. To get up and do it again. Get up worry about bills, kids, behaviors, family, school, husbands work, my lack of it, supper, laundry, dishes, homework, tests. This day in and day out. Feel guilty because there are family burdens at home you know you should be there to help with and aren't. You know you should help because you get reminded enough by your sister who also doesn't help but your the nurse and oldest so of course it is your responsibility. You are the experienced one in class everyone looks to for help even when you can't always give it because you have your own stress to deal with.For some reason your kids decided they don't want to be the good children they used to be anymore and start getting in trouble at school to the point you almost dread answering the phone. Your ex husband decides not only does he not want to pay child support he wants to make your life a living hell while doing so and at the same your husband's ex wife apparently got the same memo and decides that she wants to start causing problems as well.
No I may not be "OK" always. But is anyone's life perfect? No. I could spend my days continuing to spiral. Fortunately I have my 2 year old bright spot who keeps me laughing. I have friends in class who keep me motivated to get through the next 9 months we have left. And my husband who tells me everything will be ok. Yeah sometimes I want to cry and pitch a fit and make everything go my way ( or try ). However, there is a good chance that would not work. So why waste the time and energy?
I have come to find, in the last several weeks, that meditation and laughter works wonders. I can depend on myself more than ever. And my husband truly is the greatest man in the world. He proves it everyday. Even when I stress about everything he reminds me nothing is as bad as I make it out to be and we will get through it together.
So my new favorite thing to do is to fall into fall........ Falling in love everyday, Falling into happiness, Falling into new blessings, and Falling into new changes with open arms. Everything happens for a reason. Embrace change if it wasn't for change we would be stuck at start with not end in sight......... I personally want to pass go and collect my $200 :)
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