How do you take self out of selfish?

So as the days pass, each seems a little easier. I say seems because today I have to really struggle to be good.I have friends whose husbands are on the same ship as mine on facebook. Which on a side note can be positively evil during deployments. And as I know everyone is literally "in the same boat" as me, it doesn't always help to see some posts. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to happy for other people when you see some posts. Like the ones that get to skype with their loved one and you dont get to because there is no wifi available to your spouses phone to allow him to do the same.Even when you have a app for that which does not require wifi, you at least have to have some sort of signal to, for one download the app, and for two be able to use it. I truely do feel happy for the ones who get to see AND talk to their husbands. But it does cause a certain little green monster creep in me, when I am not able to enjoy the same pleasure. I do hate jealousy, and I hate even more feeling jealous of another wife going through the same thing I am. I know they miss their husbands as much as I do. I do appreciate the communication I am able to enjoy from my husband. I do hate thinking that it sucks that on my daughters birthday she cant talk to him.We must rely on electronic communication in which to get her a Happy Birthday from him. And yes I know how selfish that sounds. I hate sounding that way. Be thankful for each and every chance you get to hear from him, because there are some who do not get that at all. Yes I know this and it is something I try to tell myself everyday. So I guess my question today would be how do you take the self out of selfish? It seems like an easy thing to do, but today it isn't quite as easy as it sounds. I try positive thoughts.It helps for a little bit. I try helping others. Good distraction but when I am done, that silly little monster sneaks right back up. I have class, but that only lasts for a little while. So on to another project? How many do I need to keep me busy during this time? 2? 5? 17? I enjoy my projects. I like completely throwing myself into each one. However at current count I am at 5 projects and I still have left time for my mind to fall into jealousy's trap. So how many more do I need to keep me out of that bottomless pit? I do not like feeling this way. I certainly do not like having negative feelings towards others. I try my best to be a person who I can live with each day. I don't like having remorse for something. I rather enjoy being able to live with myself and the actions I take daily.So why is it a few silly things can tear me up so bad?????I guess I still have more work to do on myself.And to think once upon a time all I wanted to do was just grow up. Ahhhhh but hind sight is 20/20. To think now I just wish I could go back to being carefree! I will get through this, I know that. I just wish these stupid feeling would stop sneaking up on me. I am rather tired of spending time sheading tears for reasons that are completely silly.

Navy wife life....

This is actually a post from a little while ago, but I felt the need to share it on here. I do love my life. I would not change anything because in it's own funny way, this life has taught me more about myself than I ever knew before.Enjoy....

I once told myself, I would would NEVER marry a military man. My whole family is military. My whole life revolved around the military growing up why I on Earth would I possibly put myself and my kids through that. Ahhhhh but so is irony. The mind can tell us what it thinks  we should do and the heart will make up its own mind. And so I fell helplessly and completely in love with a wonderful Navy man 3 years ago. And the I must confess that I probably knew the whole time I swore I would never go down that road, ultimately I would. After all what says strength more than a man willing to dedicate his life to the service of his country at any cost.What says commitment more than dedicating his life to people he has never met. Love more than willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for protecting freedom. So yes these were the qualities I always looked for and never really found until I met him. I truely met the person that completed me when I looked into his eyes.

So here I am a Navy wife. Proud of my husband and everything he serves for. A wonderful country that deserves each and every freedom we hold dear, or in some cases take for granted. To know that his family can grow up in a place that honors each person as an individual and that each individual is entitled to certain unquestionable rights. These things and many others are part of why I am so proud to be his wife. The way he is with the kids, and how he is to me, how he can make me laugh when all I want to do is cry are just a few others.

I openly agreed to the terms of being a Navy wife. The life is not easy, any military wife can tell you that. Husbands work long hours, duty days, deployments of course are always the hardest. But most will tell you, this life is not for everyone. You will either sink or swim. Sink. Huh well that just isnt an option for me. Still even if failure isn't an option, there are still those nights when I climb in bed, alone and have to think about why I have to deal with these times. Times in which the kids ask "When is Daddy coming home?" And without showing them my tears I say " Soon." When I know good and well soon isn't a very good answer, but they wouldn't understand the truth. So "soon" will have to do. The times when I am so excited about something that happened today and all I want to do is pick up the phone and call him or come home and tell him about it, and all I get to do is try to express it the best way I can in email version. Or the inevitable disaster happens and 7 other things go wrong and I just need a shoulder to cry on, or those wonderfully strong arms to hold me and tell me "It's ok", and the best I can get is a long distance version.So no the life is not a bed of roses. But if I focused on the thorns, then how could I see the beauty of the rose? The thought that somewhere there is a small child that is sleeping peacefully because they know they are safe, the young adult who watched Black Hawk Down ( or any other similiar movie) and said to themselves " I want to be a part of that", the person who left their country because all they knew was war and couldnt take it anymore. All those people who be affected if he and all the other brave men and women weren't out there doing what they do. So how can I possibly be selfish and want him to not do what he does? I guess because in a way we all are a little selfish sometimes. The true test comes in being able to put the selfishness aside to see the needs of others before ourselves.

Would I trade being a Navy wife? Not a chance! The bonds formed between the friends I have made with the other wives, former and currently serving I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Who else in the world could understand that one day you can be fine and laughing and the next day a total wreck. All because the one day you may have gotten 3 or 4 emails and the next day drills had internet down all day and you got nothing. Who else would understand why you let your husband record the message on the answering machine so that when you need to hear his voice all you have to do is call and let the machine pick up.They know what it's like also, because each of us have our own thing that helps keep us strong while our loved one is gone. They understand why the word good bye left your vocabulary when you met him. The military may be our life and his job, but its also our family. A family that sticks together and helps each other through the worst of times and the best of times.

I am a Navy wife. A member of the Silent Ranks. But in so many ways I am more than that. And I would not give any of these experiences up for anything

Sweet Surprises

A happy post! Sometimes in or lives surprises can absolutely change our day. Today a surprise happen to start mine off in the best way possible! I woke up to my phone ringing. I answered it. And I hear " Hey baby!" One of the sweetest sounds on earth right now is my husbands voice at the other end of a phone line. It isnt something anyone would understand if you don't have to go through the pain of not being able tohear his voice whenever you want. When you cant pick up the phone and call him just to say hi or I love you. When you hang on every email because you never know when you will get the next one.When just hearing his voice is enough to bring you to tears becaus eyou havent heard it in so long, much less see his face besides in pictures. Because contrary to popular belief it isnt always possibly to chat via however, skype or whatever, because when floating in the middle of the ocean they tend to not be able to chat like that. So email is the only way I get to talk to the love of my life, and that is only when internet is up or they arent busy. So actually getting to hear his voice is the best gift I can get on any day because those gifts are few and very far between. But I will take them when I get them. And I cherish each and every one. I also want to share something that was shared with me to help people understand why we feel the way we do about our communication with our loved ones in the military because sometimes unless you are military you just dont understand.

Dear civilian girl,

You complain that your boyfriend has worked late all week and have barely seen him.
-I look forward to the two weeks a year we spend together.

You complain because he doesn't call you enough.
-My heart is thankful for the 15 second phone call I got last Tuesday in the middle of the night!

You whine to your friends about how much you miss him already because he is on a two day trip with his parents.
-I won't see him for another 10 months!

You don't feel like making love tonight because you are too tired.
-We will stay up all night because we don't know when it will be the last time.

Your boyfriend belongs to you.
-Mine belongs to the government.

Your boyfriend is training for his game next weekend.
-My boyfriend is trained to kill.

It's just not practical for you to drive an hour to see him every weekend during school.
-He spends $700 dollars on a plane ticket just to see me 2 days!

You hate hanging up the phone when talking to him.
-My heart breaks because I won't talk to him for another 10 days.

You complain that he doesn't take enough time out of his life for you.
-My man has to get up in the middle of the night to talk with me because of the time difference. He doesn't complain.

Your man is in a bad mood from not sleeping much this week.
-My man ran 10 miles this morning at 4 in the morning and has a full day of
work ahead of him. He's lucky if he gets a few hours of sleep!

Your boyfriend can call in sick when he is tired or not feeling well.
-My man works no matter what!

You don't trust him so you follow him places to see if he is telling the truth.
-I have no choice but to trust him and even then I trust him with my life.

You don't like him talking so sexually with his friends.
-My boyfriend has to chant it in drills.

You check your phone, see you missed a call from him, and decide to call him back when you aren't so busy.
-I see a missed a call and cry, because I don't know when he can call again.

You might save a cute voice message from him.
-I save them all b/c it helps me to remember what his voice sounds like.

Being apart for a month to you seems daunting.
-A month apart for me is a wish that can't come true.

You wouldn't change schools to be close to him.
-I have to move to another country to be with him.

You have every part of him memorized.
-I study pictures so I don't forget what he looks like.

You take your time together for granted.
-We don't!

Your cell phone bill was high this month from talking too much.
-He pays 20 cents a minute to call me… when he CAN call.

You love that fancy necklace he bought you
-I refuse to take his dog tags off, and not a day goes by that I don't have them on...

You say you miss him.
-Times that by 100.

Fairytale Land...

So once upon a time...... there was a magical land. And in this land lived children who were always perfect.Mothers who wore make-up everyday and whose clothes and hair always looked perfect. It was a wonderful place where everyone got along and music played and the sun was always shinning.....
For the record I dont live in that place. I live in reality. Where I do good to chug a cup of coffee in the morning. I throw some clothes on, forget about make-up, and well my hair has one style usually, ponytail. I have three adorable children whom I love dearly, when I dont have to go to their school at 0800 to clean at their locker because apparently that is waaaaayyyyyy to much to ask of someone who is almost 12. I love my life,usually, in it's own crazy way it works for us. It is not perfect. But I would not have it any other way! Yes my child, 17 months old, will occasionally have a screaming fit in the middle of the grocery store because he wants banana puffs and he wants them now.And yes ma'am, who decided it would be a good idea to roll your eyes in disapproval of my childs behavior, you are lucky. You are lucky this grocery store is close to my house and I like it. You are lucky I held my tongue, when what I wanted to do was say " If you have a problem with my screaming child, maybe you should step in my shoes for a day." Because maybe if you werent lucky today my dear you would have noticed my fist approach your rolling eyes. ; ) But you were because I try to set a good example for my children. I want them to know that even though other people may not have manners or compassion, we do.We understand that maybe a woman who has three children in tow on a Friday night at the grocery store and is less than enthused to be there may actually be having a bad day. Not that today was bad. I got up at o dark thirty got one child up and on the bus.Got two more ready for school.Picked up a friend and her daughter. Dropped the kids off at school. While doing that cleaned out a locker because my 12 year old has no desire to do it herself. Then went to the exchange to get some goodies for the love of my life so that maybe during this deployment I can brighten one of his days. Headed back home and had a mishap with the dairy queen. ( It does not open until 1100. In case anyone needed to know) Fed munchkin number 3 lunch. Had a super sweet friend watch munchkin so I could go to Orientation for my RN program. Which super yay I will be surrounded by a bunch of teeny boppers in. Excited is not even close to the words I have to describe this impending doom. Get home. Get to "talk" ( yeah via email ) to my sweet husband for a whole hour, ok well when the mail would go out. That actually did make my day. At least I communication from him today. Better than nothing. The only downside to me day was my unfortunate mistake of deciding to go to the store. Because why would I think that if people cant drive with any common sense or compassion, what on earth possesed me to think they would be cable of those emotions at all? I really do not want to hear ever again that this state knows what southern hospitality is. Cause hunny YOUR WRONG!!! I should give lessons or something because people here haven't got a clue!!!

So morale of the story today is....... Sometimes you should think before you react to a situation.You never know what the circumstances may be. You may be rolling your eyes at a military spouse whose husband is on deployment, and whose week has been less than great because the kids are having a hard time adjusting to it.She may have also had a meeting with her oldest childs teachers who informed her that her daughter was not even trying in school. Who misses her husband to the point of not being able to sleep much. Who feels horrible that she has to depend on people to help her when she is used to taking care of things by herself. And by rolling your eyes at her you are now forcing her to use every bit of self control she posses not to punch you in the face and proceed to let you know exactly how much she doesn't appreciate the fact just because her child is screaming ,because he is hungry and she is trying her hardest to get out of the store quickly, you felt the need to express your disapproval in one of the most disrespectful forms possible. Maybe next time take a second and just have an ounce of compassion for a mother who is doing the best she can, in the circumstances, without breaking down into tears every five minutes.

Rainbows and butterflies

Sometimes life isn't always rainbows and butterflies..... Seems pretty straight foreword. Take life at as it is dealt to you. Ok can do. Except.... Sometimes I do wish I had a normal life. That I didn't have to be strong. I don't have to spend my first anniversary alone. That I don't have to deal with a panic email the day my husband leaves to deal with something that has to be done right this second. That I'm the strong one, who does everything right and doesn't let stuff get her down. Sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball, with the covers over my head and just cry all day. Because unbeknownst to the world I am indeed human. I don't always want to be the one who fixes it. The one who is encouraging. The social butterfly.

But. Then there is always rain before a rainbow. A caterpillar before a butterfly. And sometimes even the though the world crashes in on me, there is always a ray of sunshine. A friend who makes you laugh hysterically, a call from mom/dad telling you it's ok, a smile/hug/kiss from your kids. Those special moments that take your breath. Make you stop and look inside and understand why you are the way you are. Why when the world has crashed around you before, you have gotten up, dusted yourself off, learned from it, and moved on. Why people see you as strong. Not because you have to be. Because you choose to be. Why you can encourage others. Because others have encouraged you. Why you can deal with things thrown at you. Because you can step back, deal with it, and go on.

It's not a matter of what is dealt to you. It's what you do with what is dealt to you. And yes sometimes I don't want to deal with things right away. Sometimes I want to cry and whine about what complete sucks about life. But eventually I come around. Life is what you make of it not what it makes of you. If life was easy it wouldn't be a four letter word, would come with a full warranty, and instruction manual. Since that isn't the case. Make your own instruction manual. Live life by making it the way you want it to be. I'm not perfect nor do I claim to be, but I try to be the best person I can. It takes work, a lot of work. Everyday is a new challenge. But if we don't challenge ourselves, we don't grow. Without growth, there is no joy in what you have accomplished.

If I have learned nothing else in my life, I have learned a few things that I hope helps even one person. Laugh at yourself. If you can laugh at yourself, others can laugh with you and laughter is the best medicine for anything. Love. Without holding anything back. Love someone so completely that no distance can overcome the love you share. Love yourself. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you. Make your own destiny. If you sit and wait for things to happen one day you will wake up and wonder where the time went. Life is a wild ride, but if you grab it by the horns, hang on tight, and see where it leads you may be surprised with what turns out.

Rough Day

Today is proving to be a rough day. I was really proud of myself. Thus far I have been doing well keeping busy. Keeping the kids busy. How was I to know that a neighbors question at the bus stop would take my breath away and bring me to my knees. I have prepared for lots of things. School, the kids reactions, problems that may arise, even holidays. But one innocent question caught me off guard. It wasn't meant with malice. It wasn't meant to make me cry. And yet that's all I can seem to do. Even writing this is hard. I come from such a long line of strong women. Most of whom were either military or married to it or both. So why is this so hard? I know there is an end to deployment. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. And yet on this day I feel weak and alone. I do my best to hide my tears from the friends and especially the kids. The last thing they need is to see mommy struggle. This is hard enough on them. All I can do is hope each day gets a little easier. The tears stop flowing at some point. And that I can make it through the day without that stupid D word getting the best of me. I have always considered myself a strong individual. One who has faced strife and overcome it. This one however is a whole new ballgame. One you can't prepare for. One that comes and throws it's own sort of punches and all you can do is duck and roll. I don't consider myself the most religious person in the world but I do know that some days the only thing that helps is repeating over and over .... " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." I love my husband. I support him always. I knew what I got into a long time ago. The day I met him I truly felt he was the one. I feel more alive with him. And I honestly think I didn't know what love really was until he loved me. My life with him is the best I could ever imagine and would not change a thing. Our love is why keeps me going through this. Knowing that in a few months he will walk off that ship and back into my arms and it makes it worth it. It's just today is a rough day. And sometimes it takes rough days to appreciate the good ones.