Our Family

Our Family

Thursday, January 27, 2011

How do you take self out of selfish?

So as the days pass, each seems a little easier. I say seems because today I have to really struggle to be good.I have friends whose husbands are on the same ship as mine on facebook. Which on a side note can be positively evil during deployments. And as I know everyone is literally "in the same boat" as me, it doesn't always help to see some posts. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to happy for other people when you see some posts. Like the ones that get to skype with their loved one and you dont get to because there is no wifi available to your spouses phone to allow him to do the same.Even when you have a app for that which does not require wifi, you at least have to have some sort of signal to, for one download the app, and for two be able to use it. I truely do feel happy for the ones who get to see AND talk to their husbands. But it does cause a certain little green monster creep in me, when I am not able to enjoy the same pleasure. I do hate jealousy, and I hate even more feeling jealous of another wife going through the same thing I am. I know they miss their husbands as much as I do. I do appreciate the communication I am able to enjoy from my husband. I do hate thinking that it sucks that on my daughters birthday she cant talk to him.We must rely on electronic communication in which to get her a Happy Birthday from him. And yes I know how selfish that sounds. I hate sounding that way. Be thankful for each and every chance you get to hear from him, because there are some who do not get that at all. Yes I know this and it is something I try to tell myself everyday. So I guess my question today would be how do you take the self out of selfish? It seems like an easy thing to do, but today it isn't quite as easy as it sounds. I try positive thoughts.It helps for a little bit. I try helping others. Good distraction but when I am done, that silly little monster sneaks right back up. I have class, but that only lasts for a little while. So on to another project? How many do I need to keep me busy during this time? 2? 5? 17? I enjoy my projects. I like completely throwing myself into each one. However at current count I am at 5 projects and I still have left time for my mind to fall into jealousy's trap. So how many more do I need to keep me out of that bottomless pit? I do not like feeling this way. I certainly do not like having negative feelings towards others. I try my best to be a person who I can live with each day. I don't like having remorse for something. I rather enjoy being able to live with myself and the actions I take daily.So why is it a few silly things can tear me up so bad?????I guess I still have more work to do on myself.And to think once upon a time all I wanted to do was just grow up. Ahhhhh but hind sight is 20/20. To think now I just wish I could go back to being carefree! I will get through this, I know that. I just wish these stupid feeling would stop sneaking up on me. I am rather tired of spending time sheading tears for reasons that are completely silly.

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand you... I saw similar posts yesterday of I heard from my sailor and gush... and I just ended up breaking down and crying. I received a text informing me that my sailor had liberty and I would be able to hear from him... I called, texted and nothing. Sure anything could happen. But the person that told me about liberty was a reliable person to hear from. And it just crushed me. I ended up having friends call and tell me they love me, which isn't the same. I don't even care about Skype. I just want a phone call, 2 minutes even, or a text. Just three words, I miss you. Three words I fear I won't ever hear. I was told yesterday February is a short month :-/ why can't all months be short. I wish I could fly you out there. I'm sorry :(